Sleeping With the Candidates
Somebody had to do it! (An intimate Voters’ Guide.)
I’ve never (ever!) done anything so utterly distasteful. But it was my civic duty: to cut through all the bombastic spin, dark-money-funded media buys, and debates that are anything but real debates…. to uncover the truth of character that is exposed only in intimacy. Yes, I had to sleep around, making love to all the Presidential candidates so America will know exactly what it’s voting for….
Rand Paul: “I was good, wasn’t I?” he asked rhetorically afterwards. Yes, I must confess, his amorous vigor pleasantly surprised me. Indeed, he wore me out. “The electorate needs to know this,” he said quietly but with a smirk. “Discreetly, of course. They don’t necessarily need to know that being a libertarian means I’m a proponent of free love.”
Ben Carson: He wore me out, too, but in a different way. The love-making just went on and on and on…and on…in and out, in and out…ever so gently at the same never-ending, glacial pace. Would he ever cum? I wondered. At this rate, I’d never complete my civic report card before the nominating convention. Finally, I got on my knees and worked my oral magic, surgeon-like in its precision and timing.
John Kasich: “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he said sheepishly, “but America needs to understand that a Presidential candidate doesn’t have to scream and shout and be uncouth and rude to be a good lover…. I mean leader.”
Carly Fiorina: I’ve never really gotten that into sex with a woman, but Carly was different. She MADE me enjoy it. Decked out in leather with a huge strap-on, she made me wear a ball-gag and wasp-waist corset that she kept tightening until I was in the most exquisite pain. Only when I screamed “Give it to me!” did she loosen her grip.
Jeb Bush: He was the most romantic, I have to say. He gave me flowers and said I reminded him of all the old tales about the proverbial prostitute with the heart of gold. In the midst of all our heartfelt talking, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. Was he masturbating?
Mike Huckabee: He said he would fuck me only if I was ovulating. He was blessed to be able to smell such things, he said, and “I can’t smell you. Come back at the right time of the month!” he scolded. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if God made you infertile, you Evil Temptress!”
Rick Santorum: He would never commit adultery (“In case you’ve forgotten, it’s a sin!”); but if he didn’t know it was adultery, it wouldn’t be a sin, right? And he didn’t know because the room was totally dark (that’s the way he had always made love, he said, in the dark,with his eyes closed), and so he thought I was his wife.
Chris Christie: He was the hardest. Not his dick itself. But the hardest to find his dick. His stomach kept getting in the way. Finally — in theabsolute weirdest sexual position I’ve ever tried! — we connected, and then it was over. Just like that, premature ejacuation, a real quickie.
Marco Rubio: Yes, your suspicions are correct, he’s a cross-dresser. And after he left, I couldn’t find my panties. I wonder if he was wearing them (pink bikini) during the latest debate?
Donald Trump: “Here’s a couple thousand dollars. Go buy yourself some quality lingerie. Not the cheap imported stuff. But real lace, real silk. The way America used to make things. By the time you get back, my Viagra will have kicked in. And I’ll be HUGE!”
Ted Cruz: His beady eyes kept staring at my breasts; then he kept massaging them, so incessantly that my nipples felt raw. Then he said he only liked to do anal. Normally that’s not my cup of tea, but now it sounded totally fine, since I wouldn’t have to look at his maniacal eyes, plus my usual hole was plenty sore already.
Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton: They both refused to participate in my survey. He on the grounds of his being “old enough to be your grandfather.” She on the grounds that her husband, Bill, would be “a lot more fun!”
Yours for an informed citizenry….